Rage In Reverie

Dreams.

Hi all. About 2 weeks ago, I had a dream where one of my upper molar teeth fell off. 70% of the tooth fell off naturally and 30% of the remaining stayed on my gum so I took it out using a pair of pincers. I don’t know where this originated from but here where I live, some people believed that dreaming of one’s tooth to fall off indicates that someone you know in your life will die soon. Of course I panicked when I got up from that dream. Actually, I refused to believe such prophecies but I have heard first-hand experience from a close friend of mine where he dreamt of the same dream that I had, and after a few weeks someone in his family died. I thought that it was a coincidence that these things just happened to occur in that order. Yeah, I was never a fan of things like dream interpretations or “tafsir mimpi” as we say it in Malay, but ladies and gentlemen, the world keep on revolving and some things tend to change. 

One of my relatives passed away in the last 3 days.

To be honest I almost forgot about the dream until my sister brought it up. “Didn’t you dreamt about one of your teeth falling off last time? Maybe the tafsir mimpi is right all along.” I really refuse to believe these were all connected but it’s just eerie to think about it. And then right after the very sad death news, another one came up. So in the past three days, I have two of my relatives passed away. And then I remembered that the tooth in my dream fell off twice; one naturally and one I extracted it out. I don’t know if I am making any sense but do you get me? One tooth, fell off twice, and two deaths.

I have to say this experience kinda stirred my take on this whole dream interpretations thing. Maybe if it involves teeth then it will be believable but if it involves other things like seeing a snake in your dream indicates bad omen or anything like that, that I will not believe. Well, I couldn’t say that yet unless I’ve dreamt of one but no worries, I will write a post about it if it did ever happen. 

I pray for my late relatives to be blessed by Allah swt, bless the families that they have left behind, and may them placed in Jannah. Amiin.

Just Like Heaven

I decided to create another cover for one of my favourite song, which shares the same name with this post, only sang by The Cure. It’s rather a “lazy cover”, everything is my first take. I personally love it (not because I think I’m cool) but I am really in love with the song, hopefully I can do a full cover of it next time. Enjoy!

Temporary Feelings.

Have you ever developed an interest to get closer and learn more about a particular individual? Well, I did. A couple of times in my life. It’s seldom out of ‘crush’ thingy or anything along that line, it’s merely about curiosity. I am a very curious person. When some things/persons sparked my curiosity, I tend to follow it until the very end. I think it’s a good thing to be curious because you get to learn more about things but an advice to fellow curious peoples: don’t get too hooked up on it. You might kill a lot of precious time over some insignificant matters just to satisfy your curiosity, like I always did. Not good!

For being a curious-as-a-cat person, I started to develop my observation skills. To be honest, I don’t really take time to observe people around me unless I already set my eyes on them (out of curiosity). That’s why I’m the last person you should ever ask for opinions on your weight-gain or 1-inch shorter haircut. I won’t notice all that unless you point it out, I’m so sorry 😝

Just to clarify, I’m not that creepy, Nosy Parker kinda person while in the process of satisfying my curiosity. I only observe what has been placed in my sight. For example, I like this one person in my class because I think he’s cool and stuff even though he doesn’t seem like it. How do I know he’s actually cool and stuff? Because I observed him during our classes together. I like the way he responds to people, I love how kind and genuine his expressions were, and I actually engaged with him into conversations and found out about our mutual likes. I seldom go to the extent of stalking a person on social medias unless I’ve developed a stronger emotion for this person. Okay that is kinda creepy but who doesn’t do that nowadays, right?

Talking about this particular person… Well, we have a lot of interesting things in common, especially this one thing. But I will not be talking about it here because it would be too obvious. And because I liked everything that I saw during my observations about him, I found myself to kinda ✨spark✨ some kind of feelings for this person. I don’t want to feed the emotions but it seems to be growing fonder and fonder each day. It became cumbersome to me. I hate to admit that having this kind of feeling for someone that you can see on regular basis is quite exhilarating but it makes me nervous as well. Believe it or not I have tried my very best to look calm and collected every time I’m around this person so that no one will notice what’s going on ‘behind the scene’. It was exhausting yet I found fun in the process. “What are your expectations about this?” you ask? Well, I don’t expect for the feelings to be mutual on both sides because let’s face it, people nowadays are too concerned about what they can see with their eyes. I don’t have what it takes to be a ‘pretty girl’ (not now, soon maybe) judging on physical appearance but not that I care about it. When it comes to love, I want it to be everlasting. And it is supposed to be pure and unaffected by any factors. And it’s even better when it caught me off-guard. I don’t want to expect more out of this because this is just a ‘filler arc’ in my story and filler arcs aren’t supposed to take the most spaces in the storyboard.

To be honest I really enjoyed what I am going through right now, but I don’t think it would be a long ride. I am looking forward to that day when I will be able to be around that person without forcing my brain all-out to act like a normal person. And when that time comes, I know a filler arc in my life has ended. If I ever gathered enough courage maybe then I’ll let the person know that I always liked him before we part ways during our final semester together.

.

236486-onepiece129_01_super

.

P/S: I am proud to tell everyone that I have finished watching and reading One Piece anime and manga in 5 months period and now I am waiting for new chapters and episodes like any other people! Here’s one of my favourite scene in One Piece and I might write a post about the best story ever (One Piece, lol) in the future!

Self-fulfillment.

I went through numerous mini heart-attack moments today while I was driving since it was raining heavily. It was tiresome and I was stressed out throughout the ride. Not to mention I drove for 3 hours straight just for the sole purpose of picking up and dropping off my sisters to and from different places. “You did not drive out of town didn’t you? I don’t believe you drove for 3 hours in the same city!” you say? I’m not bluffing, blame the endless traffic jam! Also wrong choice of time (shouldn’t go to the city during peak hours). The reason I was writing this post is not because I want to whine, I would like to tell people that despite of all these difficulties I have gone through today, by the time I reached home I didn’t get exhausted and gloomy, I came home with a big smile. I realized that I’ve changed a lot in term of emotions and I have managed to be the master of my own mood and feelings. I realized that I’ve changed for good and it makes me even happier.

Actually I’ve already realize this thing sooner than I thought. Last year, I prayed to God for something that I don’t think I deserve yet I got it anyway. I feel so thankful that it made me vowed to myself that I will not whine about my difficulties in life anymore. I promised myself that I will always be thankful with everything I have, despite of good or bad. And by fulfilling my own promise to myself, I have learned to be happy and content with what I have. I am not perfect. There are times when I feel the tendency to whine and question the bad things that happened to me, and there are times that I’ve made a slip of the tongue, yet I will never let go of the idea of being thankful of everything. It made me appreciate peoples and things around me even more and it somehow made me feel stronger from the inside. I still can’t believe that such a simple act can impact me and turned my life almost 360 degrees into a world of contentment.

In the past, I self-diagnosed myself with depression. I cried a lot, especially during that silent moment before I sleep. I basically always silently cry myself to sleep. When I think about it, I don’t even understand why small things like not being able to accept my physical appearance or what I heard people talk about me can crush my self-confidence into tiny pieces. All of it doesn’t matter. I will always have endless doubt about my appearance and other people’s mouth will never stop talking, but I, too, have the power to not care about any single thing about this. I have the power to be happy despite of anything. Just think about it, readers. Am I not right? You can always shield yourself with a sturdy but destructible armor OR just let the attacks came through and hit you because you know that you are an unbreakable, strong as fuck motherfucker. Your choice. Let us all keep that in mind.

I think that’s all I have for now. Until then, じゃね!

Lazy Song Cover.

I heard the Pumped Up Kicks song last week and the catchy tune just can’t seem to find its way out from my mind. I was bored so I decided to do a 1-minute cover of this song, more like a lazy cover because I did not even bother to fix some of the anomalies in my recordings. I did it for fun, I won’t care if it sounds perfect or not. I just thought I would let you readers give it a listen, hopefully it will cheer you up in any possible way lol.

BTW, I’ve used 3 instruments for the song. Bass lines using an acoustic guitar, tambourine, and leads using my Fender strat. Combined it all using Audacity, and boom. Here we go:

Journey of an Intern.

It’s been two weeks since my last day of internship, and not a day have passed without me reminiscing my memories of interning at PCSB SBO. Time surely flew fast these days, it felt like my orientation day was only yesterday, and no it’s not. That was six months ago. Along that timeline, I met a lot of new faces and made friends with most of them. Along that timeline, I have changed a lot in term of attitude and mentality. Let’s change to another paragraph.

I was a Gloomy Sunday song before I met my new friends. I met two peculiar little kids whom I befriended and soon formed a group together which we call “The Breakfast Club”. This was, of course, a reference to the movie of the same name but I don’t think it has anything to do with it, except that the three of us became close friends since we had breakfast together almost on daily basis during our internship there. Actually there was another one fellow intern, our close friend as well, but he was interning at the other PCSB SBO building. We did not meet regularly during office hours but all of us always chill together almost every weekend, after work. They were my friends who, okay let’s make it short, they were literally my partners in crime. Which crimes have we committed? Killing time at the office! Oh, and does “slacking off” counts? We didn’t do this on daily basis though; only when we were too stressed with work or too free to do anything (done with work, supervisor’s not around). I’m just happy to know these lads, I now have partners whom I can bring to anywhere and anytime and just chill and talk about everything under the sun. I really miss you people.

It gets to me sometimes that I can’t fit into some of their jokes or discussions, as I was the only opposite gender in the squad. This also applies when I was with my brothers. Yeah, brothers. I have met three persons at the department I was attached to during my internship there and the next thing I knew we were already siblings from another parents. It’s hard to accept at first since I was never a fan of make beliefs but over time, I felt comfortable with the idea and then the idea consumed me. Having them in my life has really boosted a lot of aspects in my life. I felt like I just found one of the missing pieces of my life’s jigsaw puzzle. Actually one of my brothers were my high school friend, whom I have crossed path with from university until workplace. That was very unexpected, really. The organization has 2 distinct office buildings, 14 departments, and 6 sections in the department that I was attached to, and still I get to be in the same department and same section with this old friend of mine. I even shared the same workstation with him and my two other brothers. We shared one BIG table facing each other on daily basis, and it made it easier for us to exchange ideas and stories from time to time. Some time during the six months period I have lost my motivation to wake up and go to work, but not wanting to miss anything from the big table incentivize me every time. I really miss this particular segment of my memories. And gosh how much I miss that big table.

Enough with the fun things, let’s talk about my job there. I was placed in an engineering department, which has nothing to do with the course that I am taking at the university, at all. Yes, I am an engineering student as well but the department dealt with mostly construction and integrity of platforms and terminals (so it would be civil and mechanical, right?) and hmm let’s see, do I use AutoCAD at the university? Nope. I don’t even own a T-ruler or how do you call it. I deal with computer networking, that’s what I do. When I first got there, I was welcomed by our section’s admin clerk, whom was a god-given, warm-hearted soul who was very, very nice to me from Week 1 until Week 24. She brought me around to meet everyone, familiarized me with the department, and helped me with everything that I need ever since. I never thought such nice person could even exist in my life’s perimeter. I could be using the “blessed” hashtag in this post just for her. So, during my time at the department, I only get to help my supervisor with basic ICT-related stuffs like designing posters, creating video montages, and so on. The only legitimate task I have done with them was to create a system for uploading engineering drawings. I have no problem with that, in fact I enjoyed making systems. But it has to be HTML-based or I will brood myself to depression.

There was a time when I was basically done with all the tasks with my supervisor, so I decided to shamelessly ask for tasks from a staff of the ICT department, whom I first know when I went to the ICT department accompanying a friend who was bearing an ICT-related incident with her. I guess I owe her for this. That was unintentional. I got more connections with the staffs of the ICT department when I joined a charity event with the department at a beach. The said staff talked to me and asked me about my progress as an intern, and then more people joined in the conversation naturally and one of them was this nice, kind-hearted Chinese woman. Weeks after that, I met her at the office, she assigned me tasks, we exchanged numbers and she contacted me on weekly basis asking about my task progress and all. And only a month ago I found out that she was the BOSS, like, BOSS of the department’s section. I never knew. How shallow of me. And she treated me like a fellow staff. So does the other ICT department staffs. I felt a sense of belonging and somehow blessed that I was given such a pleasant experience, even though I was only there as an intern.

My brothers and most of the staffs there I know has a notion that my farewell won’t be the last time they will ever see me. This one ICT staff even said to me “We don’t have to rush with the communications because I know you’re gonna be here again after you’re done with your internship”. To think of it, that was the closest thing that I ever got to “I love you” from someone of the opposite gender (hopeless lol) but still, I appreciate all the confidence they bestowed on me. I will bring it into my prayers for the betterment of my future today, tomorrow, and to infinity. To sum it all, pictures! As usual, here are some of my memento souvenirs from the journey:

.

k

Me and kakak from the department I was attached to.

.

ict

With the cool ICT staffs. Best team ever.

.

retardsss

“Don’t you forget about me.”

.

3

Mis hermanos. I was horribly unready in this shot.

.

3562

Chilling squad.

.

pcsb sbo

“So long, see you again.”

Something I’ve Learned.

Hello. It’s not unusual that I will be posting something at strange times like this. It’s 1 a.m., and I have a paper this evening. Typical me 🙂

I would like to share something with all my fellow readers. Something that I’ve learned from the past few days. Since my sister has bought a new car, she “inherits” her old car to me so basically I’m not gonna be a university bus passenger anymore, which is a good thing for me. The hardships and struggles that you have to go through just to get a bus ride at my university, I don’t even want to mention about it. It’s horrible. There are too many people crammed in one bus most of the time, and I am so glad that I have a chance to be away from all those things. Okay by the way, now that I have my own car, means I have to drive it everyday to class, right? The problem is, I tend to feel scared to be on the road, especially when I’m driving alone. I never have the guts to try routes that I am not familiar with. All I have in my mind is the thoughts of crashing into trees/other cars/pedestrians/etc. To be honest, I have never drove for more than 5 kilometers before, on my own, until last week. I told myself that if I want to live, I have to be brave. I have to get out of this cocoon of uncertainty. Yes, that’s what I did last week, and it’s all thanks to my elder sister (the one who inherits her old car to me). She forced me to drive as far as I can and she encouraged me to do it, to get out of my comfort zone. And from that moment, I can already feel a new life flowing into my soul. Everything feels so good as I stepped on the pedal and drive my heart out. I was reluctant at first but I instantly fell in love with my new-found freedom while I was on the road. I thought to myself, “Hey, this is not bad at all. Why haven’t I done this before? What’s stopping me?” and stuffs.

I know this might sound lame since it only happened to me at this age, but it’s never too late to get a taste of life, you know. Before I continue my endeavour for my last minute revision for the finals, I’ll leave something for you guys to ponder upon. Here it is. Cheers!

20140610-005738-3458087.jpg

Thank You, 2013.

Hello 2014, sing me a line from your favourite song.

I know it’s a bit late for a 2013 appreciation post but here it goes. This might sound cliche but in general, 2013 is making me a better person. I have been through a lot of ups and downs last year, and they only made me who I am right now. I fell in and out of love. I made friendships with peoples who were once a stranger to me. I learned to be the one who confessed instead of being the listener like I always did. I made mistakes and I made up for it. I also found my true potential and I finally found the true meaning of “where there’s a will, there’s a way”.

The first 6 months of 2013 has been one of the hardest moments in my life. I have struggled with my self-image, satisfactory grades at university when I know I can achieve better, heartbreak, hardship of focusing on my studies, and finding true purpose why I entered UMS instead of the college I have always wanted. Now I understand that sometimes life will not give you everything that you want, no matter how much you wish for it and how hard you worked for it. And when that happens, you have to learn to just suck it up and go on with other better things in your life. And that’s what I did.

I gave up on life some time during that 6 months but I got myself up and convinced myself that this is not the end. How many tears have I shed for the miserable struggles that I have been through, God knows. But then, at the end of 2013 I found myself again. I found my turning point. I changed it all. I changed my lifestyle, I worked hard for the thing I have always wanted and in fact, I’m still working for it right now. I have sacrificed a lot of time, energy, and desires just for these “changes”, I am so eager for it. I cannot wait for the end result, and how much it would positively impact my life in all ways. Wherever I go now, people I know will start to notice those changes, and it made me happy. I will talk more about it soon.

I think enough with the long texts, here’s some pictures of what happened in my life during 2013:

Image

Bought an iPhone 5S. Actually I wanted to buy an iPhone 5 but this is all I can find. I am so thankful for this 🙂

.

ef2b172e75fe11e3a78d0ab9c0a565fd_8

 Bought my second 12″ vinyl, Kveikur by Sigur Ros. So happy.

.

417c80e0d5a911e2a5d322000a1f90e5_7

Daft Punk released Random Access Memories, what is happiness again?

.

IMG_0211

Berniaga for the first time legitimately. This was for our APK subject at the university, we didn’t get much but it was a fun experience!

.

Processed with VSCOcam with m3 preset

We got this little buddy earlier last year, and we named him Toby. Sometimes it changed to Tibby, Toby-Chan, Tabby, Ribby, whatever that ends with -by but in the end it’s always Toby.

August: Independence Month.

Hiya!

It’s the end of August and it makes me a bit sad, because August is my favourite month of all. Reasons: My birthday and my parents’ wedding anniversary. Which date, you ask? 6th of August and yes, both are on the same date! Pretty neat, huh? And August is also the independence month for Malaysia, kinda, because our country’s independence day fell on the last day of August.

Talking about independence day, I went to the cinema this evening with my sister and her husband. And since the independence day is around the corner, the cinema management decided to play our national theme song right before every movies. So this evening while watching trailers and waiting for our movie, there was this one group of Chinese teenagers sitting quite near to us and they were hell noisy and annoying. They talked and chuckled at everything and I don’t even understand why but I guess that’s just how fun it feels to be surrounded by your group of friends, right? ( I tend to be like that too when I’m with my friends lol) So after a few minutes, our national theme was about to start and of course the audience have to stand up and sing together to show respect and that was the moment I expected those Chinese groupies to make fun of the song BUT, I was wrong. They stood up straight, annoying chuckles gone like a dust in the wind, and they actually stopped talking to each other during the national theme were played.  So my point is, I was amazed by what just happened. Not all annoying teenagers are disrespectful, that’s what I thought. On that moment there was a brief faith in humanity was stored. Of course not everyone stood up during the song and it kinda annoys me. What about me, you ask? Of course I stood up :p BTW we watched The Purge and all I can say is I hate the movie and I have a feeling that the movie was inspired by The Hunger Games.

And also, I have a couple of pictures to share with you fellow readers and as usual, I will let the pictures do the talking starting from now!

IMG_1530

 

Been listening to this album during the early days of the month. Probably because I watched too much of Brendon Urie’s Vine videos :p

.

IMG_1536

BEST PINEAPPLE TART EVER HANDS DOWN. Thanks Etta!

.

1098430_10151623897584139_1884241554_n

Celebrated first day of Eid at Grandmama’s house. Oh I miss her already 🙂

.

IMG_1703

Best horror movie I have ever seen in my whole goddamn life. Not to mention it is based on true story too! (Yup I took a picture of it in the cinema!)

.

IMG_1720

It’s official you guys! I have a Daft Club card. I am the biggest Daft Punk fan ever 🙂

.

IMG_1807

Getting creative with my nails last night. I tried the cartoon-like nail art, not too shabby eh?

 

Panic Attacks!

Hello all! I’ve been experiencing with weird things nowadays, and one of them is called “panic attacks”. As some people thought that panic attacks aren’t real, I am here to assure you that IT IS REAL and it is scary. It tends to happen to me while in the car; either driving or just being a passenger. It feels like the car is moving too fast when it’s only moving at 40 km/h and I feel like the car is gonna crash and my head will explode. That’s exactly how I feel when my panic attacks came.

To be honest, I thought panic attack was just a myth at first. My eldest sister has been experiencing with it since 3 years ago (as far as I remember) and her explanations about the weird sensation she felt matched 90% of how my panic attack feels. How do I know it was panic attacks? I Googled it (duh!). And how do I keep myself sane during the attacks? First rule of no-panic-attacks, don’t think about panic attacks. When it fails (and the panic attacks came), I tricked my mind that it’s gonna be okay and nothing bad is going to happen and the panic attacks are not real they’re just weird things created by my sub-conscious to fuck me up.

But thanks to myself that it rarely happened to me in these few weeks. I managed to control my mind to not think of it, and when the thoughts came I managed to push them away. Let’s get happy!