Rage In Reverie

Category: Uncategorized

Self-fulfillment.

I went through numerous mini heart-attack moments today while I was driving since it was raining heavily. It was tiresome and I was stressed out throughout the ride. Not to mention I drove for 3 hours straight just for the sole purpose of picking up and dropping off my sisters to and from different places. “You did not drive out of town didn’t you? I don’t believe you drove for 3 hours in the same city!” you say? I’m not bluffing, blame the endless traffic jam! Also wrong choice of time (shouldn’t go to the city during peak hours). The reason I was writing this post is not because I want to whine, I would like to tell people that despite of all these difficulties I have gone through today, by the time I reached home I didn’t get exhausted and gloomy, I came home with a big smile. I realized that I’ve changed a lot in term of emotions and I have managed to be the master of my own mood and feelings. I realized that I’ve changed for good and it makes me even happier.

Actually I’ve already realize this thing sooner than I thought. Last year, I prayed to God for something that I don’t think I deserve yet I got it anyway. I feel so thankful that it made me vowed to myself that I will not whine about my difficulties in life anymore. I promised myself that I will always be thankful with everything I have, despite of good or bad. And by fulfilling my own promise to myself, I have learned to be happy and content with what I have. I am not perfect. There are times when I feel the tendency to whine and question the bad things that happened to me, and there are times that I’ve made a slip of the tongue, yet I will never let go of the idea of being thankful of everything. It made me appreciate peoples and things around me even more and it somehow made me feel stronger from the inside. I still can’t believe that such a simple act can impact me and turned my life almost 360 degrees into a world of contentment.

In the past, I self-diagnosed myself with depression. I cried a lot, especially during that silent moment before I sleep. I basically always silently cry myself to sleep. When I think about it, I don’t even understand why small things like not being able to accept my physical appearance or what I heard people talk about me can crush my self-confidence into tiny pieces. All of it doesn’t matter. I will always have endless doubt about my appearance and other people’s mouth will never stop talking, but I, too, have the power to not care about any single thing about this. I have the power to be happy despite of anything. Just think about it, readers. Am I not right? You can always shield yourself with a sturdy but destructible armor OR just let the attacks came through and hit you because you know that you are an unbreakable, strong as fuck motherfucker. Your choice. Let us all keep that in mind.

I think that’s all I have for now. Until then, じゃね!

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Lazy Song Cover.

I heard the Pumped Up Kicks song last week and the catchy tune just can’t seem to find its way out from my mind. I was bored so I decided to do a 1-minute cover of this song, more like a lazy cover because I did not even bother to fix some of the anomalies in my recordings. I did it for fun, I won’t care if it sounds perfect or not. I just thought I would let you readers give it a listen, hopefully it will cheer you up in any possible way lol.

BTW, I’ve used 3 instruments for the song. Bass lines using an acoustic guitar, tambourine, and leads using my Fender strat. Combined it all using Audacity, and boom. Here we go:

Journey of an Intern.

It’s been two weeks since my last day of internship, and not a day have passed without me reminiscing my memories of interning at PCSB SBO. Time surely flew fast these days, it felt like my orientation day was only yesterday, and no it’s not. That was six months ago. Along that timeline, I met a lot of new faces and made friends with most of them. Along that timeline, I have changed a lot in term of attitude and mentality. Let’s change to another paragraph.

I was a Gloomy Sunday song before I met my new friends. I met two peculiar little kids whom I befriended and soon formed a group together which we call “The Breakfast Club”. This was, of course, a reference to the movie of the same name but I don’t think it has anything to do with it, except that the three of us became close friends since we had breakfast together almost on daily basis during our internship there. Actually there was another one fellow intern, our close friend as well, but he was interning at the other PCSB SBO building. We did not meet regularly during office hours but all of us always chill together almost every weekend, after work. They were my friends who, okay let’s make it short, they were literally my partners in crime. Which crimes have we committed? Killing time at the office! Oh, and does “slacking off” counts? We didn’t do this on daily basis though; only when we were too stressed with work or too free to do anything (done with work, supervisor’s not around). I’m just happy to know these lads, I now have partners whom I can bring to anywhere and anytime and just chill and talk about everything under the sun. I really miss you people.

It gets to me sometimes that I can’t fit into some of their jokes or discussions, as I was the only opposite gender in the squad. This also applies when I was with my brothers. Yeah, brothers. I have met three persons at the department I was attached to during my internship there and the next thing I knew we were already siblings from another parents. It’s hard to accept at first since I was never a fan of make beliefs but over time, I felt comfortable with the idea and then the idea consumed me. Having them in my life has really boosted a lot of aspects in my life. I felt like I just found one of the missing pieces of my life’s jigsaw puzzle. Actually one of my brothers were my high school friend, whom I have crossed path with from university until workplace. That was very unexpected, really. The organization has 2 distinct office buildings, 14 departments, and 6 sections in the department that I was attached to, and still I get to be in the same department and same section with this old friend of mine. I even shared the same workstation with him and my two other brothers. We shared one BIG table facing each other on daily basis, and it made it easier for us to exchange ideas and stories from time to time. Some time during the six months period I have lost my motivation to wake up and go to work, but not wanting to miss anything from the big table incentivize me every time. I really miss this particular segment of my memories. And gosh how much I miss that big table.

Enough with the fun things, let’s talk about my job there. I was placed in an engineering department, which has nothing to do with the course that I am taking at the university, at all. Yes, I am an engineering student as well but the department dealt with mostly construction and integrity of platforms and terminals (so it would be civil and mechanical, right?) and hmm let’s see, do I use AutoCAD at the university? Nope. I don’t even own a T-ruler or how do you call it. I deal with computer networking, that’s what I do. When I first got there, I was welcomed by our section’s admin clerk, whom was a god-given, warm-hearted soul who was very, very nice to me from Week 1 until Week 24. She brought me around to meet everyone, familiarized me with the department, and helped me with everything that I need ever since. I never thought such nice person could even exist in my life’s perimeter. I could be using the “blessed” hashtag in this post just for her. So, during my time at the department, I only get to help my supervisor with basic ICT-related stuffs like designing posters, creating video montages, and so on. The only legitimate task I have done with them was to create a system for uploading engineering drawings. I have no problem with that, in fact I enjoyed making systems. But it has to be HTML-based or I will brood myself to depression.

There was a time when I was basically done with all the tasks with my supervisor, so I decided to shamelessly ask for tasks from a staff of the ICT department, whom I first know when I went to the ICT department accompanying a friend who was bearing an ICT-related incident with her. I guess I owe her for this. That was unintentional. I got more connections with the staffs of the ICT department when I joined a charity event with the department at a beach. The said staff talked to me and asked me about my progress as an intern, and then more people joined in the conversation naturally and one of them was this nice, kind-hearted Chinese woman. Weeks after that, I met her at the office, she assigned me tasks, we exchanged numbers and she contacted me on weekly basis asking about my task progress and all. And only a month ago I found out that she was the BOSS, like, BOSS of the department’s section. I never knew. How shallow of me. And she treated me like a fellow staff. So does the other ICT department staffs. I felt a sense of belonging and somehow blessed that I was given such a pleasant experience, even though I was only there as an intern.

My brothers and most of the staffs there I know has a notion that my farewell won’t be the last time they will ever see me. This one ICT staff even said to me “We don’t have to rush with the communications because I know you’re gonna be here again after you’re done with your internship”. To think of it, that was the closest thing that I ever got to “I love you” from someone of the opposite gender (hopeless lol) but still, I appreciate all the confidence they bestowed on me. I will bring it into my prayers for the betterment of my future today, tomorrow, and to infinity. To sum it all, pictures! As usual, here are some of my memento souvenirs from the journey:

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k

Me and kakak from the department I was attached to.

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With the cool ICT staffs. Best team ever.

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retardsss

“Don’t you forget about me.”

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Mis hermanos. I was horribly unready in this shot.

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Chilling squad.

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pcsb sbo

“So long, see you again.”

Hidden Places.

The reason I can’t answer some questions during exams is because I tend to read non-exam materials because they suddenly looked very interesting. For example, I was studying for my Islamic and Asian Civilizations paper and when it comes to Chinese Civilizations, I found myself reading about Shambala, a so-called mythical kingdom which was hidden somewhere in Asia. It’s not in our syllabus but it’s very interesting. Do you believe in hidden cities/places around the world? Do they really exist? I can’t say no because we can’t even confirm that they did not exist.